From Silvia Fade <silvia.fade@yahoo.com>
To ben@whompmag.com
Date 27 February 2011 15:39
subject FROM YOURS SILVIA
Hello dear,I am very glad to see your mail, it makes me feel lively thanks. How is your job, your family and your health, I hope that with God every thing is fine. i am a girl with love, trust, respect, caring, discipline, loyal, honest, and above all God fearing. I am 25 years old, I’m from Sudan, I am53meters tall, weighing 60 kg, I have a Lite chocolate skin, black hair and black eyes. I do not drink, do not smoke and I love to do exercises on a weekly basis. I was not in a relationship before, but I believe in you. Please, I want to tell you something about my late father’s legacy that i am the beneficiary which you will not regret later, but I would like to know you more, and I need to get your love and trust, first, that you will not betray me later. await your response with love,hug and kiss.from yours loveSilvia.
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From ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
To Silvia Fade <silvia.fade@yahoo.com>
Date 22 March 2011 15:05
subject Re: FROM YOURS SILVIA
To be honest Silvia, even though you will be attracted to me and no doubt want a rigorous spearing if we meet, I’m not interested in your fathers’ legacy – or yours for that matter – I’m more concerned about mine! Yesterday, I had terrible writers’ block. I couldn’t get rid of it and I began to panic. I wondered to myself if this was going to be the end of my writing fame. I feared I would be forced to work the local streets again like a cheap and nasty whore! Tears began to stream down my cheeks so I quickly drove home and searched my ghetto flat for inspiration. At first, I could only find my wife’s shopping catalogues and travel brochures, but fortunately for my rapidly tightening chest, I spied my bedside copy of Dangerous Marine Animals by Matthias Berbauer. I took a few deep breaths and started to read. Inside, information leapt out at me like star bursts. Did you know that the Giant Grouper can grow up to 2.6 metres – and weighing a whopping 320KG’s, can swallow an entire human? Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to come face-to-face with one these goliaths whilst snorkelling? According to Dangerous Marine Animals, one poor soul did whilst free-diving. The silly billy shot it with a spear but instead of dying, the furious Grouper fled to a nearby cave where it stayed – with the entangled free diver still attached! Needless to say he couldn’t free himself from the heavy fish and shortly after he drowned. My first reaction was to be angry with the Grouper for taking this poor mans life and I felt the urge to find it and teach it a lesson with my bare hands! But after much contemplation I concluded that it was the free-diver who was in the wrong. He started the row and it was he who tried to take the Grouper’s life. The magnificent beast merely swam for cover and in doing so the free-diver faced the ultimate of all consequences. Anyway, it was after reading this incredible tale I immediately started feeling better and it inspired me to write back to you. Now, I can confidently say that my writers’ block has been cleared by the textual decongestant known as Dangerous Marine Animals.
‘Guess who’s back, back again, Shady’s back, tell a friend, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back.’ – Slim Shady
Selway