Author Archives: Sez
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Go here immediately and tell all of your friends about it. If you don’t bad things will happen to you and you may end up being involved in some kind of horrific accident involving heavy machinery.
It looks like I’m trying to say tactic..but I’m not. I’m saying tic tac!
Why do I feel as though I have a hangover when I haven’t been drinking?
Why does iTunes claim that I have listened to 55 by Kasabian over 1800 times when clearly I haven’t?
Why did Whomp’s Copy Editor hurt my feelings after she handed back the corrected proof’s for issue 1?
Why am I making a magazine when I’m such a dummy and don’t know, how, to use, comas?!
Why has it been windy outside every single day this summer?
Why haven’t Chelsea signed Javier Pastore yet?
Why, after a Hells Angel told me the other day that he uses non-scented soaps because he’d rather smell like a man, did I tell him I like herbal soaps and prefer to smell like a woman?
Why haven’t you suggested to all of your friends to ‘like us’ on facebook yet?
Why is Vimeo much slower than youtube?
Why’ – Annie Lennox
P.S. I love you x
Greetings and salutations!
Have you seen ever Californication? Damn, Agent Mulder gets so much fine looking hairy pie in it. Much better than Agent Scully, that’s for sure!
In other news; anyone up for starting a Kinks tribute band? If so, get in touch! I have an Epiphone guitar and I can bring my own amp. I am able to behave myself and I’m very good at playing several different chords. If at all possible, I’d like to be the younger, more creative Dave Davies, but I don’t want to argue with whoever gets to be Ray. I just want to play music.
Not a day goes by where I don’t sit at the computer and think about how amazing the internet is. Today, I found this blog. It is written by a lovely-sounding lady called Joan Harvest. Don’t ask why, but when I read her words my mind wanders to a large mid-west American country house which basks in the late afternoon sun. There’s a rocking chair on the porch and Joan is inside cooking the best apple pie America has ever seen! Meanwhile, her ‘wasband’ sits on the steps leading up to the house cleaning his shotgun. By the entrance of the driveway, some local teenagers who are up to no good, taunt him from the entrance to the driveway. Poor wasband is furious! As he looks on, he mindlessly spits some chewing tobacco and mutters to himself ’go ahead kid, just place one goddamn foot in that driveway and I’m gon’ kill you dead!’
Like I said, ‘don’t ask why’. Come to think of it, the blog isn’t that good, it’s mostly just a record of her weight bustin’ recipes. What is a good read though, is the ’about me‘ page.
Happy Monday to ye. – Selway
…doesn’t this make you want to go to France? Tomorrow: return of the junk mail.
Can’t get enough of this she-yit at the moment….
Imagine we could all move this slowly. For sufferers of premature ejaculation it would be a dream! But at the same time it would make things like waiting in queue’s and getting paper cuts seem like living hell.
What’s cooking good looking?
Me? I’m fine fank u. I have been busier than a pervert in a peep show, trying to get the Bane Of My Life* finished. I hoped to get it out months ago and I’m sure most of you have given up and dismissed me as nothing but a low down phony full of false promises!
Well, sticks and stones ‘n all that – it is coming, believe me and will probably be utterly dreadful. As will be the Whomp merchandise, which, incidentally will be available to purchase through the ‘a place to spend some money’ section, soon. Don’t worry, it will all be affordable.
In other news, my tiny mind is still reeling from Kasabian at Leeds O2 a few weeks ago. Such a tiny venue! My wife decided that all of sudden she is now a Tom Meighan fan and she mentioned if she saw him hanging out in a bar she would go up to him and say ‘Tom, I saw you in Leeds the other week, you were incredible and can you tongue me?’ How the Judas H Iscariot supposed to take those comments? I was furious. I reminded her that if she must idolise and tongue a Kasabian band member, it must be Serge.
Here are 3 clips (not my filming) from that incredible gig, plus a good reason why Serge is #1!
*Issue 1 of Whomp Magazine
José can be found here too! Clicky-t-click-click!
I’m on holiday again. This time I’m in a caravan somewhere in north Cornwall. It means I am unable to post stuff up properly on the site because I only have an iPhone. If you’re feeling unloved you really ought to check our facebook page or Whomp at twitter because those are easy as a sit down pee to update!
I won’t be very long and I promise you when I return wheels to finally unleash Whomp will be set in motion.
God it’s going to be immense!
Sorry. No time for writing today, I’m currently moving out of my ghetto flat to pastures new. If I could never move again I’d be the happiest man in the world, but I don’t have any say on the matter. Here are some things I thought about earlier that I would rather do instead of making myself feel all tired from lifting heavy boxes.
1. Clear up after old people all day.
2. Be smothered by a fatso!
3. Receive a spanking from Ronny Rocket.
4. Changing this baby’s nappy.
5. Spending the day at the airport
6. Overdosing on ecstacy with Shabaz.
7. Juggling with the stinky hippy!
8. Eat this fish
I hate moving.
I’m sick of it.
Someone kidnap me, for Gods sake.
Just found out that Jamie Thomas was in town the other day and I missed him. We could’ve hung out and made friends!
Watch this clip, it’s fucking nuts.
Angeles Peña is from Argentina takes better photos than I ever will. More of her work can be found here. Go! Go! Go!
From 中国联通4006电话 email@example.com
Date 5 May 2011 01:59
400套-餐资-费 优-惠资-费 套-餐说-明11000特-号套-餐 0.08元/分钟 预-存11000元，1年用完，可-选特-级号7200特-号套-餐 0.12元/分钟 预-存7200元，1年用完，可-选特-级号5200年套-餐 0.10元/分钟 预-存5200元，2年用完，可-选A、B、C、D类号-码3200年套-餐 0.13元/分钟 预-存3200元，2年用完，可-选B、C、D类号-码2200年套-餐 0.15元/分钟 预-存2200元，2年用完，可-选B、C、D类号-码1000年套-餐 0.15元/分钟 预-存1000元，1年用完，可-选C、D类号-码
400-687-8666 400-622-3888 400-629-2888 400-679-6888 400-679-6888400-698-0666 400-625-0888 400-652-6888 400-689-7888 400-603-9666400-665-0999 400-625-1888 400-633-9888 400-691-5888 400-609-1666400-622-0999 400-627-0888 400-652-9888 400-692-9888 400-609-8666400-622-9666 400-607-5888 400-699-0777 400-669-8777 400-655-9777400-623-0666 400-623-1888 400-690-9777 400-668-0777 400-699-0666
From ben selway firstname.lastname@example.org
Date 12 May 2011 11:51
Subject Re: 企业400热线电话号码五月促销,更有1000元低价套餐
Listen buddy, I’ve got far more important things to figure out than whatever the hell it is you’re trying to tell me. For example, lately I’ve been wondering whether I should start smoking. I think it looks much sexier in social situations and the cigarettes will make my voice sound gravelly and more seductive. On the flip side cigarettes can give the smoker bad breath which is unattractive to everyone except for all of the women from my local council estate. I have also been told they are bad for your health and can give you heart attacks and cancer, and right now, that’s the last thing I need!
If, however, I am mistaken and you’re trying to sell me one of those Chinese Golden Cats that all takeaways have then please write back immediately – I left my last one out in the rain and it has changed colour and stopped waving at me.- Selway
from ludacris_empire to ben selway email@example.com
date 12 May 2011 16:57
subject : 双赢
from ben selway firstname.lastname@example.org
date 13 May 2011 17:58
subject Re: 双赢
date 13 May 2011 17:58
subject Re: 双赢
I noticed that your name is Ludacris, just like the famous rapper! I too often dream about being someone else. For me though, it’s a pro arm wrestling sensation turned classical musician called Vance Jagger. Most people believe that I am cocky and arrogant but in spite of the way I used to behave during press conferences, I am shy, sensitive and terrible at small talk. My favourite pastimes include crazy paving, hiking and throwing things. When I am tired I become forgetful and I make lots of mistakes like putting the microwave on for too long and leaving my Chinese Golden cat out in the rain. I also get extremely impatient, so it’s therefore best to avoid intervening if I am undertaking complex tasks such as untangling wires or peeling off sticky price tags. If you do I will become very agitated and I’ll hit myself, like Rainman! – Selway
2. When surfers’ expose their bare bottoms in the car park stare at them and touch your Jolly Roger as they get changed.
3. When surfers’ expose their bare bottoms while changing in the car park, kindly offer to help dry their private parts.
4. When you drive past a group of surfers, throw rubbish at them.
5. If you stumble across a surfers’ bag filled with their clothing on the beach, set fire to it and perform a racist dance around it.
6. When someone successfully performs a tricky surfing manoeuvre in front of you, laugh at them out loud.
7. When the same person paddles back out, laugh at them again.
8. If you are lucky enough to share the beach with a pro surfer and a photographer – kick the photographer’s tripod over and throw sand at him.
9. When the surfer isn’t looking, kick all of his fins out.
10. Empty your rubbish bin into the sea and on the beach.
11. Whilst at a surfing contest, ignore all of the rules and paddle out to where the competitors are sitting. Then, as they surf past you try and put them off by insulting their families and using coarse language.
12. Pour petrol on all of the surfers’ cars and set fire to them.
13. Go to the beach, find a waiting surfers’ girlfriend and make love to her.
14. Whilst out back cut surfers’ leashes without them noticing and laugh at them as they swim for their boards after wiping out.
15. When meeting a fellow surf board rider for the first time, throw out an intricate hand shake requiring lots of hand-on-hand contact then tell them you just did your big jobs and didn’t wash your hands.
16. Paddle up to a female surfer and say ‘shouldn’t you be on the street corner, love?’
17. Take a beginner surfer and force him to go out in dangerous conditions without him knowing what the consequences are.
18. If you’re a female surfer, scream for help out back, when a male surfer tries to help you, cry ‘rape!’
19. When the ordeal is over call the police and claim he sexually assaulted you.
20. When surfing in board shorts pull them down and do big jobs in the middle of the pack and push your faeces in the direction of other water users.
Crista like, totally rules pendejo. More of her handy work can be found here. Go, go, go, go there now!
I’m home. I have jet lag. I am exhausted but wide awake. In the middle of the night my wife found me trying to escape from my Mentawai hut. I feel disorientated. My blogged ear still hasn’t popped from our planes descent, either and I half know how my deaf step dad feels! Hang on, that was supposed to say my ‘blocked’ ear. What was that all about? I am unable to string a sentence together and maybe now isn’t the best time to be writing posts for Whomp, but it’s only fair. I have been shit these last couple of weeks, but let me tell you, it is sloth-paced WIFI which has let me down – not downright laziness! Today I shall do nothing but sit back, rest and watch the Royal Wedding. My box of tissues are ready, it’s sure as hell going to be emotional! I love you all and let me tell ye, it’s sure as hell nice to be home – Selway
Fancy an evening of merriment and joy? Want to bop around to the sounds of music without a top on? Go to Love Riot in Brighton then and let yourself run wild!
From: Island Supplies [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: 07 April 2011 09:21
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26 Railroad Ave #190
Babylon, NY 11702
From ben selway <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date 7 April 2011 23:22
You live on Railroad Avenue! As a boy I always dreamed of becoming a train driver. I often imagined myself at the helm of a diesel locomotive thundering through the countryside. Nowadays, I’m a fully grown adult and have to earn my own money, I couldn’t think of anything worse than doing this kind of job. I can’t imagine what the pressures must be like for a train driver; having to get from A to B without holding up irritable commuters, dealing with constant track maintenance and mowing down suicidal maniacs! Driving a train isn’t sexy, either. Who wants to make love to a train driver? Simpletons and train spotters, that’s who! – Selway
From DAVE GATE CONCORDE HOTEL <email@example.com>
Date 4 April 2011 12:47
subject JOB OFFER
DAVE GATE CONCORDE HOTEL
31 34 QUEENS GATE, LONDON ENGLAND .
WE ARE LOOKING FOR BRIGHT GRADUATES/POST GRADUATES BETWEEN AGES 22 AND ABOVE YEARS WITH EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION AND MANAGERIAL SKILLS AND AN APTITUDE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICES.CANDIDATES WOULD BE REQUIRED TO POSSES GOOD INTER-PERSONAL SKILLS AND A PASSION TO KEEP LEARNING WHILE DELIVERING EFFECTIVE SERVICES TO OUR NUMEROUS CUSTOMERS,YOU WILL BE WORKING PRIMARILY IN ROTATING DAY SHIFTS,WITH OCCASIONAL NIGHT SHIFTS. VACANCIES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOLLOWING DEPUTATIONS:
1. MANAGERS/ASSISTANT MANAGERS
2. COMPUTER OPERATORS/SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
9. SUPERVISOR TRAINERS
11.CLEANERS ENTITLEMENTS, BENEFITS & PACKAGES:
From ben selway <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date 7 April 2011 22:00
subject Re: JOB OFFER
I am a fan of large hotels, unless of course yours is anything like the terrifying Outlook hotel in The Shining. If it is, then I shan’t be visiting any time soon. However, if this writing gig doesn’t go to plan I may be forced into undertaking work for you! If I have a choice, I’d like to be a chambermaid. I know this isn’t the most masculine of all hotel roles, however, I feel I would be a perfect candidate for this position. My bed-making skills are second to none and I am an honest person so you needn’t worry about me helping myself to the guests’ belongings. However, if a pair of used panties should present themselves I shall put them in my pocket as a souvenir! Late one night, I will slip them on and run along the corridors causing all kinds of commotion with the elderly guests. If the manager catches me he will be furious and will no doubt treat me to a dressing down I’ll never forget. He will feel a great sense of power over me and no doubt he will revel in the moment as I cower with fear. If he tries to punish me with any kind of funny business I’ will immediately contact the local newspaper and expose his unsavoury antics. You see Dave, this kind of thing happens in hotels all of the time and someone really has got to put a stop it. – Selway
From: Dave Yeung [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: 21 March 2011 18:49
Subject: Guy picked up hooker to get her banged hard trouble
Hoat white housewives cheat on their husbands by fuaacking black coacks
quality quite tin
Busty brunette Anna spreading nude
still Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. pwavelengthmagandcoandukm stretch
burst before Prawns are plentiful and cheap, after
put tben Mr Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree
To: Dave Yeung [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: 21 March 2011 18:49
Subject: re: Guy picked up hooker to get her banged hard trouble
Dave, you’re out of your fucking mind. – Selway
Only kidding. I was joking, ok? Relax. Anyway, I wanted to grab your attention because I feel as though you all need an explanation about the coming magazine and why recently the posting here at Whomp has been irregular-ish. Well, the magazine is very much in production (really!) and thanks to Rob (our designer) it is looking awfully splendid and I’m told that he will have her ready to roll in about 3-4 weeks. The interviews are hilarious, informative and unlike anything you’ve ever read before. Similarly, the photographer and artist portfolios are phenomenal and will definitely make your retinas quiver with pleasure! Re: the infrequent posting of updates, as I said, work on the mag has started and it has been looooooooooong. It has successfully swallowed up every bit of spare time I’ve had in the last few months and I haven’t stopped thinking about Whomp, not even for one single moment. This stupid litte magazine has been all-consuming and the catalyst of many an argument between my wife and I, just because ‘its all I go on about’ – even during love-making! If I knew at the start how much work would be involved, I’d never would have started the thing! Right. There you have it. OK?
Oh, sorry again for saying fuck you earlier, I’m in a funny mood. I need to go drinking or something.
PS- In other news, there is a chance that I might be able to finally live my life-long dream of owning a tortoise! I don’t want to say too much about this in case it doesn’t happen, but she is a she and she is of the Herman variety – and her name is Ruby! Here’s hoping – be sure to keep checking back for updates on her procurement. I’m sure you’re not interested in any of this, but it is very important, so put a cock in it damnit! Just kidding. Sorry. – Selway
PLEASE NOTE – THIS IS NOT RUBY.