Whomp Mag

Phew, posting something on the Whomp blog twice a fortnight is exhausting! Hence why I am on holiday / vacation – a reward you see for all the graft. Currently I am typing from a sun lounger and I am surrounded by a small battalion of ‘Fix’ beer cans – all crumpled and defeated of course. Anyway, I’m just writing to say ‘here lies a gleaming example of commitment to the cause; posting whilst on holiday / vacation’.

.’Ps. All the ladies out here look like this

…but the ones who fail to moisturize daily end up like this by the time they hit 30;

I had to copy and paste Jon ‘McKechnie’s name’ from his email –  every one has trouble spelling it apparently. He is a man of many talents though and photography is certainly one of them. We asked him to supply us with a portfolio of his work and for some facts about himself;

‘I get told I’m tall at least once day – in case I forget perhaps?’

 ’I rode my bike by myself from Miami to San Francisco a few years back.’

 ’For an English man, I seem to have an unusual all year round tan.’

 ’Sea Life is important to me. I spend a lot of my weekends and holiday time out of London to go surfing at a very average level.’

‘I spend lots of time listening to my music and playing to the beat on my drums. I’ve been listening to a lot of rap recently.’

We’re not really sure if this was what we were looking for but it paints a picture. Now you’re done with all of this, look at the photos below and go HERE to view more of his work. He’s the best!

 Joss Ash is so sexy! He is charismatic, tall, well spoken and all the girls want to mate with him. He’s a model and he’s wealthy but when I’m around him, he makes me feel really inadequate and body conscious. I hate going out with him in day to day situations too. All the women look around but I know they’re not looking at me – well, they are but for all of the wrong reasons. Here are so more photos of Joss on his model agency page if you’re interested. You can hire him to do whatever you want to him!                  

Photo Ben Selway

Scotland 2012 Photo Selway

Good job Micah Lester was shitting his pants on this day, otherwise he would never have stayed on dry land and nailed this sequence of John (John?) Florence being spewed out of Pipe. Thank God for fear!  PHOTO: Micah Lester! (kidding – he actually surfed pipe for three hours before this shot was taken)

Photo: Selway

This human is called Jobe Harriss (yes, two R’s and two S’ – get it right or he’ll be extremely upset!).  You’ll be seeing a fair bit of Jobe around these here parts – in fact I just went on a walking (and occasional surfing) holiday to the Canaries with him and his buddy Toby Donachie. When I arranged it with them, they both thought they were going on a good ‘ole fashioned, easy surf trip to a remote island in the Atlantic. Little did they know hiring a car wasn’t going to be an option because only the locals are allowed them. This meant if you want to go surfing, you either have to pay 10 Euros for a lift, hire a shit mountain bike or walk. Ultra keen to keep fit and get warmed up for a sesh, we chose the hike.

Hiya! I’m getting back into this posting lark. It’s actually really good fun. Almost as fun as this party must have been! Sure, they could’ve done with some glue to sniff and maybe a glitter ball but hey ho.

Who remembers doing this at weddings?

 No? Me neither, sadly.

Whomp is back.

No, this isn’t a joke.

Nor is it a false promise.

Yes, I know I’ve been bad. I know I’ve been like an absent father who thinks he can suddenly just waltz back into his kids life and pretend every thing is normal. I’m sooooooo sorry! I’m sorry for everything! I’m sorry that I only uploaded 9, yes NINE posts in one whole year and, further more, that I prioritised the Facebook and Twitter accounts over whompmag.com. While I’m at it, I’m also sorry for producing a terrible magazine filled with utter nonsense and that nearly 35,000 of you spent ten quid on it. However, I guess most of all, I’m sorry for knowing that while I was being shit and writing posts about being sorry for not posting, I had no really intention of keeping  the blog going. Seriously! Waaaaaaaahhh! I’m shit!

Anyway, even though I’m metaphorically on my knees begging for your forgiveness now, I know there’s no point in dwelling in the past so, as a Dad who wants to win his kids over again by using sweets and new toys, I promise to give you regular content and, ultimately, a printed sequel to Whomp 1.

So there you go. We’re ok now aren’t we? One big happy family again? Good. All is right with the world! Things are going to change around here – do you like the new look? I know it’s not drastically different to before but it’s our attempt at being ‘clean’ and ‘hip’ and ‘trendy’. What about the new logo? Amazing isn’t it? You’ll notice a little change in the type of content we feature on here too. Yes, it will still feature the hilarious kind of thing that was on here before but something more. Oh, and to keep tabs on me, I have recruited a couple of new helpers which I’ll introduce as we go along.

Ok, time to get this party started, right about………………………………………………….

AG’s latest flick.

…which is a lie, it was an attempt at being found on search engines! Clever…

We’ve got photos though, this time from Daniel Lober - much better than seeing Prince Harry’s rouge wang.

Cooooo-eeey! Happy Tuesday evening people. Did you know that Spencer Davis Group are white? I thought they were black. They sound black but they’re not…they’re white. This video proves it.

In other news, how’s this guy? I found his picture on the internet- I have a mate who looks like him who scheduled to go up Mount Everest.  Random I know, but a cast iron fact.

Huy Le!

Er, it’s been so long since I last posted, I don’t know what to write…well here goes (apologies in advance for grammatical errors); these are pictures by 23 Australian Huy Le – he takes awesome photos and here are a small selection for you to look at.  What else? here is a link to not one, but two of his sites! Uh, how’s that? Not enough? Ok, today  I am suffering from playing football (soccer) for 12 hours on Sunday and I’ve seized up. I have blisters, aching torso, my groin area is tight, my legs are lead weights, I have sunburn and former lovers tell me I am terrible in bed. What a nightmare.

My alcoholic neighbour is moving. He is in the process of stream lining all of his possessions to ensure a swift and easy transition to his new abode and kindly has offered the community the chance to own any of his unwanted items. Amongst the free-for-all is a collection of Sum 41 cd’s, newspapers, Beano’s, Dandy’s and this magnificent piece; a man fighting off a fierce-looking dragon atop a stunning white horse. Seeing as I already own one like this, I thought I’d afford you all with the opportunity to have one of yourself. Be quick though, my other neighbours have expressed an interest and it may be gone soon.

Yes, indeed…this is a post. It seems that Whomp has been majorly neglected again…but fear not – here is a lovely portfolio of piccies for yo’ ass..taken by the wonderful Sara Sani – go here and look at her stuff…

Sorry, I haven’t been on the website much. Statistics say you lot would rather look at the facebookpage, which is well worth liking!

I’ve been busy too trying to research sexy women from the olden days for a new regular called ‘When they were sexy!’ This is  Laszlo Willinger from the 30′s…sexy, no?

Anyway, have you bought issue 1 of Whomp yet?

The bad news is, you lot cleared us out of all our Whomp’s. We sold out. Poof! Gone…

The good news is, we printed a load more to put an end to all of the nagging from certain individuals and, obviously, to give all of y’all who didn’t purchase a copy another chance of owning one. So, what are you waiting for, head here to grab yours now!

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Welcome to the only post ever to be made on the 30th of January 2012! How are you enjoying it so far?

I’m not doing very well at the moment. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D for short. This means I am feeling less sexy than usual and I am more cranky and negative about things like waiting, updating the Whomp blog, loosing my possessions and breaking expensive objects.

On the flip side. Whomp 1 sold out! As predicted, it was a massive success and because of huge demand, I have decided to do a limited print run so that all of the fools who didn’t buy one, now can.

In other news I have been trying to track down issue 1′s cover star. He doesn’t know he has the cover and I think it would make his day. He was last seen eating a french fries in Padang, Indonesia. I do not know his name and as the photo was taken a year ago, I’m sure he has swollen a little more.

He looks something like this fella:

What else? Nothing else. Help find the cover star for issue 1. He needs to know he has page 1.

HIYA!

Sorry…facebook’s fault again – blame them for squeezing the life out of blog sites. It’s just so quick and easy on there, you know? Well, I’m not going to say happy new year again – just because I feel now, on the 10th January, we are far enough in 2012 to not feel obligated to say this. You don’t say Happy Birthday 12 days after someone’s actual date of birth now, do you?

Ok…what’s news? Not much here. Whomp issue 1 flew out of the door quicker than a rat up a drain pipe. But fear not, there are some copies left – just click here to purchase one. It’s amazing. It’s fucking amazing in fact. Buy one. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Some of you older followers will notice the absence of Junk Mailing the Junk Mailer; well, it’s not dead. We’re hoping it will come back – in fact, just today I dipped into my spam box to see what delights awaited. The following titles really caught my eye;

• Nothing beats a huge stick
• Americans proud to grown an extra inch
• Progress from love guru to sex magnet
• You know she loves it when she wants it every night after your size got bigger.
• Be the Pied Piper of chicks
• Give her more of your love rod
• Jamie Lynn is a bigger slut than Britney

 Anyway, gotta go – I left my T.V out in the rain again.

P.S. Here’s a photo of Andy Fordham throwing an arrow.

HOW MUCH FUN IS IT WRITING IN CAPS? SO AWESOME! IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING WHEN IN REALITY I AM WHISPERING QUIETLY BECAUSE MY THROAT IS A LITTLE SORE FROM ALL OF THE SHOUTING I HAVE BEEN DOING LATELY. SHOUTING IS JUST PLAIN AWESOME TOO…YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME. ANYWAY, HAPPY NEW YEAR MUVAFUCKAS…HERE’S A COOL FILM FOR YOU PLUS A PHOTO OF SOMEONE WE DO NOT KNOW. LOTS OF LOVE

This chap. Well done you! You win nothing but the adoration and respect of the entire human race.