Whomp Mag

I’m home. I have jet lag. I am exhausted but wide awake. In the middle of the night my wife found me trying to escape from my Mentawai hut. I feel disorientated. My blogged ear still hasn’t popped from our planes descent, either and I half know how my deaf step dad feels! Hang on, that was supposed to say my ‘blocked’ ear. What was that all about? I am unable to string a sentence together and maybe now isn’t the best time to be writing posts for Whomp, but it’s only fair. I have been shit these last couple of weeks, but let me tell you, it is sloth-paced WIFI which has let me down – not downright laziness! Today I shall do nothing but sit back, rest and watch the Royal Wedding. My box of tissues are ready, it’s sure as hell going to be emotional! I love you all and let me tell ye, it’s sure as hell nice to be home – Selway

Greetings

Forgive me for the radio silence, I’m in Indonesia! It’s hot, sweaty and the mozzies are fearsome. My hut doesn’t have electricity, doors, windows or a bathroom – but it has WIFI! Hooray for WIFI! It’s slow WIFI, though, hence the lack of activity here. This post alone took over two hours to upload, which shows exactly the kind of dedication I have for this cause. This trip is going well but the humidity is horrendous – nothing ever dries! I was sea sick the other day, too. On the flip side, the fierce Indonesian sunshine has turned me into a very agreeable light mahogany colour – and the three meals a day the owners of the camp provide me with have turned my flabby exterior into something that has been driving the natives wild.  I promise to return home soon and when I do service here at Whomp will resume as normal.  Until then I have many new cultures and ancient tribes to learn from and equally, share knowledge with, so, just sit tight, relax and watch this little clip. – Selway

Fancy an evening of merriment and joy? Want to bop around to the sounds of music without a top on? Go to Love Riot in Brighton then and let yourself run wild!

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From ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
To info@networkingexecutives2011.com
Date 7 April 2011 23:22

You live on Railroad Avenue! As a boy I always dreamed of becoming a train driver. I often imagined myself at the helm of a diesel locomotive thundering through the countryside.  Nowadays, I’m a fully grown adult and have to earn my own money, I couldn’t think of anything worse than doing this kind of job. I can’t imagine what the pressures must be like for a train driver; having to get from A to B without holding up irritable commuters, dealing with constant track maintenance and mowing down suicidal maniacs! Driving a train isn’t sexy, either. Who wants to make love to a train driver? Simpletons and train spotters, that’s who! – Selway

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From DAVE GATE CONCORDE HOTEL <info@bccegypt.com>
To
Date 4 April 2011 12:47
subject    JOB OFFER

DAVE GATE CONCORDE HOTEL
31 34 QUEENS GATE, LONDON ENGLAND .
Email: BARRJHONSON@HOTMAIL.COM

WE ARE LOOKING FOR BRIGHT GRADUATES/POST GRADUATES BETWEEN AGES 22 AND ABOVE YEARS WITH EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION AND MANAGERIAL SKILLS AND AN APTITUDE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICES.CANDIDATES WOULD BE REQUIRED TO POSSES GOOD INTER-PERSONAL SKILLS AND A PASSION TO KEEP LEARNING WHILE DELIVERING EFFECTIVE SERVICES TO OUR NUMEROUS CUSTOMERS,YOU WILL BE WORKING PRIMARILY IN ROTATING DAY SHIFTS,WITH OCCASIONAL NIGHT SHIFTS. VACANCIES ARE AVAILABLE IN THE FOLLOWING DEPUTATIONS:

1. MANAGERS/ASSISTANT MANAGERS
2. COMPUTER OPERATORS/SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
3. ACCOUNTANTS
4. SECURITY
5. LINGUISTS
6. CASHIERS
7. ESCORTS
8. CHEFS
9. SUPERVISOR TRAINERS
10.WAITERS
11.CLEANERS ENTITLEMENTS, BENEFITS & PACKAGES:

From ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
To barrjohnson@hotmail.com
Date 7 April 2011 22:00
subject    Re: JOB OFFER

I am a fan of large hotels, unless of course yours is anything like the terrifying Outlook hotel in The Shining. If it is, then I shan’t be visiting any time soon. However, if this writing gig doesn’t go to plan I may be forced into undertaking work for you! If I have a choice, I’d like to be a chambermaid. I know this isn’t the most masculine of all hotel roles, however, I feel I would be a perfect candidate for this position. My bed-making skills are second to none and I am an honest person so you needn’t worry about me helping myself to the guests’ belongings. However, if a pair of used panties should present themselves I shall put them in my pocket as a souvenir! Late one night, I will slip them on and run along the corridors causing all kinds of commotion with the elderly guests. If the manager catches me he will be furious and will no doubt treat me to a dressing down I’ll never forget. He will feel a great sense of power over me and no doubt he will revel in the moment as I cower with fear. If he tries to punish me with any kind of funny business I’ will immediately contact the local newspaper and expose his unsavoury antics. You see Dave, this kind of thing happens in hotels all of the time and someone really has got to put a stop it. – Selway

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From: Dave Yeung [mailto:cnm@gettoknow.net]
Sent: 21 March 2011 18:49
To: ben@whompmag.com
Subject: Guy picked up hooker to get her banged hard trouble

Hoat white housewives cheat on their husbands by fuaacking black coacks
quality quite tin
Busty brunette Anna spreading nude
<http://alamuse.com/thumbnails/php.htm?m=glass>

still Said the Quangle Wangle Quee. pwavelengthmagandcoandukm stretch
burst before Prawns are plentiful and cheap, after
put tben Mr Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo But the longer I live on this Crumpetty Tree
drink

From: ben@whompmag.com
To: Dave Yeung [mailto:cnm@gettoknow.net]
Sent: 21 March 2011 18:49

Subject: re: Guy picked up hooker to get her banged hard trouble

Dave, you’re out of your fucking mind. – Selway

For more of Martina click here!

Only kidding. I was joking, ok? Relax. Anyway, I wanted to grab your attention because I feel as though you all need an explanation about the coming magazine and why recently the posting here at Whomp has been irregular-ish.  Well, the magazine is very much in production (really!) and thanks to Rob (our designer) it is looking awfully splendid and I’m told that he will have her ready to roll in about 3-4 weeks. The interviews are hilarious, informative and unlike anything you’ve ever read before. Similarly, the photographer and artist portfolios are phenomenal and will definitely make your retinas quiver with pleasure! Re: the infrequent posting of updates, as I said, work on the mag has started and it has been looooooooooong. It has successfully swallowed up every bit of spare time I’ve had in the last few months and I haven’t stopped thinking about Whomp, not even for one single moment. This stupid litte magazine has been all-consuming and the catalyst of many an argument between my wife and I, just because ‘its all I go on about’ – even during love-making! If I knew at the start how much work would be involved, I’d never would have started the thing! Right. There you have it. OK?

Oh, sorry again for saying fuck you earlier, I’m in a funny mood. I need to go drinking or something.

PS- In other news, there is a chance that I might be able to finally live my life-long dream of owning a tortoise! I don’t want to say too much about this in case it doesn’t happen, but she is a she and she is of the Herman variety – and her name is Ruby! Here’s hoping – be sure to keep checking back for updates on her procurement. I’m sure you’re not interested in any of this, but it is very important, so put a cock in it damnit! Just kidding. Sorry.  – Selway

PLEASE NOTE – THIS IS NOT RUBY.

Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Visit Fred’s site! Ok?

From Chris Moreno <chris@chrismorenomarketing.com>
to ben@whompmag.com
date24 March 2011 00:50
subject I have a question about limousine services

Hi,

I was searching online to find more info about limousine services and I came across your information.

Can you tell me, are you still involved with limousines? If you are, how are things going for you?

Please let me know as I may be able to help you get a lot more customers in a very short period of time.

Sincerely,

Chris

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from ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
ben@whompmag.com
to Chris Moreno <chris@chrismorenomarketing.com>
date 30 March 2011 14:46
subject Re: I have a question about limousine services

The only limousine’s I’m interested in are the types which have a boomerang on the back, just like the one in Crocodile Dundee! As a child I often dreamed about driving wealthy businessmen around in a limousine like this, and I remember wanting to spend my days ferrying these powerful men to important meetings in the city. However, the job wasn’t all glamour because during transit my passengers would frequently become irritated by my nervous small-talk and try to make me feel small and worthless by cutting me off mid-conversation using the electrical divider! Whenever they were in meetings, their wives would also use my services. They’d order me around in a similar way to their spouses, but instead of business lunches and  important appointments, they’d request I take them to places like the hair salon and the shopping centre. ‘Driver, take the long route to town – and put that divider down, I want to watch you work!’ They’d say. Some would become aroused by my young good looks and after they were done spending their husbands’ money, they would instruct me to take them home and order me to attend to their womanly facilities! Sometimes, on my days off, I would drive the limousine to the local council estate and cruise around in it whilst pretending that I too was someone rich and powerful. However, the local paupers never appeared to be that impressed by me – as they only ever seemed to be interested in smoking and stealing this incredible vehicle for themselves. – Selway

Joris is handsome and works extremely hard to please all of us with his photos, so don’t be rude and visit his site immediately!

From Silvia Fade <silvia.fade@yahoo.com>
To ben@whompmag.com
Date 27 February 2011 15:39
subject FROM YOURS SILVIA

Hello dear,I am very glad to see your mail, it makes me feel lively thanks. How is your job, your family and your health, I hope that with God every thing is fine. i am a girl with love, trust, respect, caring, discipline, loyal, honest, and above all God fearing. I am 25 years old, I’m from Sudan, I am53meters tall, weighing 60 kg, I have a Lite chocolate skin, black hair and black eyes. I do not drink, do not smoke and I love to do exercises on a weekly basis. I was not in a relationship before, but I believe in you. Please, I want to tell you something about my late father’s legacy that i am the beneficiary which you will not regret later, but I would like to know you more, and I need to get your love and trust, first, that you will not betray me later. await your response with love,hug and kiss.from yours loveSilvia.

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From ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
To Silvia Fade <silvia.fade@yahoo.com>
Date 22 March 2011 15:05
subject Re: FROM YOURS SILVIA 

To be honest Silvia, even though you will be attracted to me and no doubt want a rigorous spearing if we meet, I’m not interested in your fathers’ legacy – or yours for that matter – I’m more concerned about mine! Yesterday, I had terrible writers’ block. I couldn’t get rid of it and I began to panic. I wondered to myself if this was going to be the end of my writing fame. I feared I would be forced to work the local streets again like a cheap and nasty whore! Tears began to stream down my cheeks so I quickly drove home and searched my ghetto flat for inspiration. At first, I could only find my wife’s shopping catalogues and travel brochures, but fortunately for my rapidly tightening chest, I spied my bedside copy of Dangerous Marine Animals by Matthias Berbauer. I took a few deep breaths and started to read. Inside, information leapt out at me like star bursts. Did you know that the Giant Grouper can grow up to 2.6 metres – and weighing a whopping 320KG’s, can swallow an entire human? Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to come face-to-face with one these goliaths whilst snorkelling? According to Dangerous Marine Animals, one poor soul did whilst free-diving. The silly billy shot it with a spear but instead of dying, the furious Grouper fled to a nearby cave where it stayed – with the entangled free diver still attached! Needless to say he couldn’t free himself from the heavy fish and shortly after he drowned. My first reaction was to be angry with the Grouper for taking this poor mans life and I felt the urge to find it and teach it a lesson with my bare hands! But after much contemplation I concluded that it was the free-diver who was in the wrong. He started the row and it was he who tried to take the Grouper’s life. The magnificent beast merely swam for cover and in doing so the free-diver faced the ultimate of all consequences. Anyway, it was after reading this incredible tale I immediately started feeling better and it inspired me to write back to you. Now, I can confidently say that my writers’ block has been cleared by the textual decongestant known as Dangerous Marine Animals.

‘Guess who’s back, back again, Shady’s back, tell a friend, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back.’ – Slim Shady

Selway

Yay! DFA1979 have reformed. Here’s some footage from a recent show that ended up with rioting!

Hello campers!

It’s 14.26. I am suffering with writers block. I can’t shift it! I don’t know what the blue frig to do about it! Right now all I feel like doing is writing

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

HELP ME GET RID OF THIS CURSED AFFLICTION

Over and over and over and over again, just like Jack Nicholson in The Shining! But even though I just wrote that all on screen, fdsfadsfsafasfdsfasdrfewGRET2345fd See? That was my fist striking the keyboard in frustration! Writers block, just blocked me from finishing that sentence. This doesn’t make sense. I’ll start again. I won’t re-check this document for typos.

How are you dear? I have lots of fascinating subjects I could write about. Rob the designer, serial killers, the English National Ballet and the incredibly committed dancers who put their bodies through hardship for our viewing pleasure. What about a post focusing on spring and how happy and gay we all are because all of the blossoms are out and the birds are singing?! Or something about Whomp almost being completed – and the fact that my wife has gone up country for 3 days leaving me on my own in the house with nothing but pornography and PS3! Actually, speaking of my wife, lately she’s been wondering how I feel about putting a baby inside her womb. I can’t help but wonder if it would just be easier if we got a tortoise instead?

I think I’m going to stop.

Jak Spedding has been at it again – check the maiden issue of Whomp for more of his work and be sure to have a peak at his site!

Even though she calls us Whoop, we thought it would be rude not to pop up a post about Shiraz Ksaiba’s nifty little photo booth project. So be nice and click here!

from MARKETTA <spamdejieff@live.fr>
to rofflewafflew00t@gmail.com
date      15 February 2011 10:46
subject Bored..

I’m a 23 year old single mother who is in school full time and works part time. I’m 5’9″ a little thick with brown hair to the middle of my back and dark brown eyes. I moved back to Northern Virginia last year so that I could get a little bit more support with my daughter. I’m looking for a guy between the ages of 24 – 40. I don’t really have a type of guy but I look for guys with genuine personalities. I want someone that can crack jokes and play video games with me, but I also like for a guy to want to wander around a mall or a store just to talk and kill some time. I’m looking for a guy thats stable on his feet, you can still live at home or roommates or being in school but I would appreciate you to be all together emotionally. You can see my profie here:

http://MARKETTA.edatingiseasy.ru

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from ben selway <ben@whompmag.com>
to MARKETTA <spamdejieff@live.fr>
date      8 March 2011 15:44
subject Re: Bored..

You love video games too! My favourite video game of all time is Capcom’s legendary fighting simulation, Street Fighter 2. The game opens up with a striking animation of two muscle-bound thugs, deep in the throes of combat. The animation is accompanied by a loud digital sound effect as one of the fighters delivers his knock-out blow. In the game, you are given the option to select your fighter, most people usually choose Ryu, but I prefer Japanese Sumo-wrestling sensation, Eddy Honda! I love the feeling of grappling with my opponents and forcing them into a corner before destroying them with the deadly hundred slap! I would love to try this in real life, maybe at the local pub on a drunken thug or in a bar full of ruffians. When playing the video game Street Fighter 2, I never am able to progress past Chun Li –  I will not hit a female! Usually, I like to stand there and take her dainty blows by using clever blocking techniques. Sometimes, when I’m feeling tired or drunk I’ll let her knock me unconscious, but this always seems to summon a mysterious erection – Selway

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From GEORGEANN <spamdejieff@live.fr>
To ben@whompmag.com
date      9 February 2011 19:26
subject Lust t love, k?

I really want a man that has a very creative side in the bedroom and a high sex drive for some kinky hot action. You can ask me the questions you want at:

http://GEORGEANN.datingwebclub.ru

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From Ben Selway <ben@whompmag.com>
to         GEORGEANN <spamdejieff@live.fr>
date      8 March 2011 12:51
subject Re: Lust t love, k?

I am from Ukraine and my name is Lyaksandro, which in my country is meaning ‘defender of mankind’. But I am not living in Ukraine because I living 6 years in England! I’m working in the construction site many hours of the day and sometimes in the night time but I am liking this country and the very nice people of the United Kingdom. Many times I visit Buckingham Palace hoping to see the Queen but so far she doesn’t come. I wonder – is she living here? I think not. Maybe she live in secret bunker under palace next to dungeon where slave is kept? Have you ever come in to this fabulous country? You will like much I think. Weather is warmer than in Ukraine and people of England are very very friendly. About me; I am good in bed and have very fearsome cock, maybe is like 2 Coca Cola cans on top of each other. You are black girl from African country? You will be happy for this and you finding this sexy no? Maybe you can make pictures for sending to me and I can do the same for to be special friends? – Selway

Dan rules! Check more of his work here!

I’ve just watched a video about surf boarding in Indonesia, so the following post must be read out loud in an Indonesian accent. If you do not know what an Indonesian accent sounds like, you should watch this clip.

Today is so vlery beautiful day but so cold! Is too cold for me and for fun times on surf and skate board. I like hot weather and at night time when it is sweat and I can lie naked on my bed with only fan for cold air! When I am hot I go horny and want to have the jigi jig with sexy girl in the street, or maybe if lucky 3 or 4! I like having quick shower after because clean and fresh smelling is bagus. Now it is a weekend and this night I go in the home and no party – just quiet time for me. Tomorrow evening is vlery different because I go with my flends to celebrate new engagement and baby arrival and I drink many alcohols with many visits to the toilet. I don’t want be sick on Sunday I have big day for working and Magazine Whomp no write him self. Then Monday my flends maybe want watch football with me – go Chelsea! Go Chelsea! Go Chelsea! Frankie Lampard! Frank Lampard! Frank Lampard! He is bagus sekali! And Didier Drogba, big black man and good footballing player. Favourite player for me is John Terry, he is the strongest man of the football Premiership, angry and for the England is a big lion with strong banana! You just keep reading this shit, dontcha?

It’s done. It’s dusted, it’s dans le bag. The final interview for issue 1 of Whomp has been nailed, pendejo. I know, I know, I feel like taking my top off and going out celebrating, too! It’s been a long wait and much alcohol will be consumed along with whatever else I can find, but not now. Definitely not now. I am professional! Thats why – I know there’s much work to be done before Whomp is home and dry and going to the local tavern will only prevent me from actually finishing it. Besides, Whomp is destined to be terrible and the last thing you need is a zine edited by someone who isn’t able to remain continent because they had too many Bacardi’s!

So what happens next? Well, for you, nothing really. You just go about your daily business, be sure to check here and our glorious Facebook page* and wait……………….

Good day to you

PS- Have you seen this video?

From: Clement Warwick <deacon_clement@yahoo.com>
To:
Date:19 February 2011 21:56
Subject: Please read and pray…

Dearest in Christ,

May the Lord’s favor and peace be multiplied to you? See Numbers 6:24-26; 2 Peter 1:2. The word of God also says,”They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their Strength,they shall mount up with wings as eagles: They shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint Isaiah 40:31.. It is a privilege to share this great testimony with you,to the glory of God. I am Deacon Clement Warwick,Happily married to my wife and children. During a Prayer and fasting session in our church I asked God Almighty to direct me to an honest person that will Use this Fund righteously to reach the needy, the less Privilege and lost souls.For the word of God says,”What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole? World, and loss his soul”. The bible also says, “The Blessing of God comes supernaturally and it is through Divine favor”. The amount involved,is $6.5m US dollar (SIX Million, five hundred USdollars) was acquired when I was in the world. I gave my life to God Almighty after My predicaments in the world and God really touched my Life and God instructed me to invest the fund on His Kingdom. Then,after that,I packaged and sealed the Fund in a consignment box and deposited it under the Custody of a Security Company. But, I registered the consignment as photographic Papers; this is to avoid diversification of the fund. As soon as I hear from you, I will give you the hole Informations regarding the security company for you to Contact them, to know how you are going to receive the Consignment and invest the fund on the things that will glorify the name of our Lord Jesus Christ for His Wonderful deeds in my life. Beloved, I will like you to immediately send me your Particulars, full Names,full address,direct Telephone and fax numbers to enable me procure the Necessary documents that I will send to you, making you the sole beneficiary of the fund. As soon as I receive your particulars,I will start up the Procurement of the paper work. Be in formed that as soon as this fund is in your Possession, I shall join you in your country to see how the fund will be use for the things that will Glorify God and to give thanks to God.

Jesus Loves,

Deacon Clement Warwick.

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from     ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
to: deacon.clement@yahoo.com
date: 27 February 2011 17:53
subject Re: Please read and pray…

Wait, why are you are happily married to your wife AND children? Sounds like something is rotten in Denmark! Just what secrets are you hiding? Do you tug at your penis furiously while all the choir boys practice their singing? Pervert! Actually, I’m kidding Clem and I would like to tell you that I am very interested in every single one of those 6.5 million dollars you speak of – I have my M.O.T and car tax to pay next week, so you’re timing is perfect. Before I dash though, tell me, if somebody  took cocaine and paid for the services of three ladies of the night – then kindly asked them to hide fruit, bottles and other household objects in each others’ tuppences, would that person go to hell? – Selway

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From: Deacon Clement <deacon.clement@yahoo.com>
To: ben@whompmag.com
Date: 27 February 2011 22:38
Subject Not all are good

Dear Beloved Selway,

Heavenly greetings, thank you for your response and your kind words. I am doing what I am doing because I was asked to do it by my God. And which was very necessary at this point of my life. It will be my greatest joy to see this fund move out of here and into the hand of an honest person who will use the fund for the things that will glorify. And I strongly believe that my God doses not make mistake and that by leading and directing me to you was his purpose and will. Among every other contact that I came across I choose you and prayed and festered to God for his intervention into my decision which I believe that it is the Lord purpose and will, which i believe that it is only God can save.  I do not look at visible things that are temporal, but I keep my eyes on God, the Author and Perfecta of my Faith. I walk by Faith and not by Sight. I refuse to walk in unbelief because I have come to the Right place where God operates in my life in spite of my prevailing Situations. I constantly gaze at the World and refuse to be distracted for As I continue to look, am being transformed to the Image of God. I thank God for calling me to serve this purpose (Donation) for kingdom investment.  My beloved In Christ, this donation is a manifestation of the promise of God Almighty “The expectations of the righteous shall not be cut short”. Therefore, the offer is now placed before you only because of Your Faith. I pray the Good Lord to open your heart to see the revelations of his Word; let your spirit reveal the many hidden treasures and benefits of This donation to humanity.  Before I gave my life to Christ, I’do worked under the dispensation of the ousted regime; during that period, I was involved in the sales of diamonds and military hardware but because of the condition and circumstance at which the Lord saved my life, I decided to relinquish myself of the money to the service of the Lord.  As mentioned in my last correspondence, the consignment which contains the fund – cash is presently in the security vault of the holding security company.  What is required of you to lay claims to it, are your personal information e.g. full names, physical address, telephone and fax numbers respectively.The above informations you send to me is what i will used to make up all the relevant documents at the Federal High Court of Justice that will give you the legal right as the bona-fide beneficiary of the consignment.

Again, i will be more than happy to hear from you as regards the charity project that you will embark on that will last all years through as it will be my greatest pressure to win souls for Christ and expending his kingdom on Earth through. I will also need your promise that you will do all your best to receive this funds.

Awaiting your utmost response.

Remain blessed.

Deacon Clement  Warwick.

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From: ben selway <whompmag@gmail.com>
To: Deacon Clement <deacon.clement@yahoo.com>
Date: 28 February 2011 11:22
subject Re: Not all are good

While the subject of God and damnation is still very much at the forefront of my mind, do you happen to know if HE would frown upon any of the following acts; petty theft, a family cat being swung around by its tail, racy thoughts in church, fornication before marriage, music piracy, buying stolen goods and the consumption of narcotics? I suppose if HE is our creator and is all knowing, I guess HE probably know about all of these forbidden acts anyway! So, if this is the case, would I be right if I said HE would also know if some is feeling remorseful as well?

Whatevs, shall we talk about money now?

You asked, so here’s my address is

Superdrug
13 Boscawen St
Truro, Cornwall,
TR1 2QU.
UK

My telephone number is: 01872 241611

I do not have a fax machine.

Can I just say thanks Clem, I really need this right now. If you hadn’t showed up I’d be working the local alleyway again on Friday and Saturday night, sucking drunken revellers’ cocks for cash!
- Selway

Like these? Check out more of Jan’s handy work here

Happy Friday muvafukkas! Plans this weekend?  Do tell!

Me? I’ll be transcribing all of these ruddy interviews – unless of course you have nothing on and would like to do it all for me? Thing is I have this much budget to pay you……………………

Rest easy though, when Whomp is massive there shall be a team of hard working transcribers in situ to do it all for me for just above minimum wage. Meanwhile I will be disgustingly rich and adrift on a large boat in the Caribbean with my newly converted bi-sexual wife and loads of bitches ‘n shit! In other news, a friend told me that all the star signs have changed! Apparently the Earth has moved and the horoscope has been majorly reshuffled. Don’t ask me for specific deets, just know that there’s a proposed 13th sign in the mix called Ophiuchus. The symbol for this sign is a heavily muscled individual holding a snake to the sky. A typical Ophiuchus (30th Nov-17th Dec) is said to have lofty ideals, enjoys longevity and is inventive. It isn’t anything new either because the experts claim that all of this shift business has been happening for years already, meaning it’s more than likely we’ve been reading the wrong horoscope all of our lives! Don’t get all pissy chico man, it is what it is. Previously, I was an Aries – but now I am a Pisces and according to Wiki I always try to adapt myself to my ever-changing feelings and to the moods and whims of others. Anyway, enough of that – did you see the cat video on Facebook earlier this week? Here it is if you missed out. Selway

Sergio is a thoroughly nice chap and a fine snapper. He has a website which you must visit.

From: chang hoa <mrschanghoalife1@gmail.com>
Date: 20 February 2011 02:07:22 GMT
To: undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: Mrs Chang Hoa (My assistance to the orphanage homes).

Mrs Chang Hoa

I have been surffering from ovarian cancer disease and the doctor says that i have just few days to leave.I am from (Lhasa) China but based in Africa Burkina Faso since eight years ago as a business woman dealing with gold exportation,now that i am about to end the race like this,without any family members and no child.I have $3 Million US DOLLARS in Africa Development Bank(ADB)Burkina Faso which i instructed the bank to give St Andrews Missionary Home in Burkina Faso.But my mind is not at rest because i am writting this letter now through the help of my computer beside my sick bed.

I also have $4.5 Million US Dollars at Ecobank here in Burkina Faso and i instructed the bank to transfer the money to the foreigner that will apply to the bank after i have gone that they should release the fund to him/her,but you will assure me that you will take 50% of the money and give 50% to the orphanages home in your country for my heart to rest.

Upon the receipt of your email with your account information, i will be intructing bank to make the immedate transfer into your account.
Yours fairly friend,

Mrs Chang Hoa

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From:  ben@whompmag.com
to : chang hoa <mrschanghoalife1@gmail.com>
date 21 February 2011 12:37
subject: re: Mrs Chang Hoa (My assistance to the orphanage homes).

Thanks Chang – that was depressing. I was having a great day until you filled me with your negativity. Do you mind if I talk about myself for minute? Well, I’m Ben from merry England and my favourite colour is cobalt. I am huge fan of the tortoise and my musical taste is mostly eclectic. My preferred activities include eating out, walking, socializing and light jogging. I also love showering. My favourite past time in the shower is working up an ample lathe and collecting the soft foam in my hands before carefully placing my winky and testis between my legs. After I have done this, I will then gather the suds and liberally distribute them around my private area, thus transforming my thatch into a milky white-looking vagina!

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From: Kai Kwan T se <tommy36013601@hotmail.com>
Date: 19 February 2011 21:37:17 GMT
To: <tlewis2@homecall.co.uk>
Subject: escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered

It rises during the closing ceremony, at the moment when stagecraft fades and the simplest of uman acts begins. The athletes walk in.

wanted to look it up?”"Can’t we get a special?” asked Lord Godalming.

That’s it: They walk into some stadium, as they did again Sunday evening at Vancouver’s B.C. Place to end the 2010 Winter Games, and the clearest picture of what the Olympics means emerges. Young people who have spent the months serving as civic heroes, national symbols, stand-ins for millions, become young again. Unlike the opening ceremony tradition of marching in national delegations in strict order, under a flag, at the closing men and women who have sweated against each other for weeks, sometimes years, walk out in an easy jumble, and soon mix, stand and dance until all national colors and flags become irrelevant.

heard a great shout repeated three times, giving me suchIn the midst of dinner, my mistress’s favourite cat leaped into

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From:  ben@whompmag.com
to : Kai Kwan Tse <tommy36013601@hotmail.com>
date 21 February 2011 11:17
subject: re: escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered

I have a terrible allergy to cats. If I come into contact with one, my eyes will itch terribly and my nose will begin to run like a tap. Soon after I’ll launch into a ferocious sneezing fit which usually lasts for as long as it takes me to find some anti-histamine tablets. It’s a crying shame because I’ve always wanted to own a feline. My mother would strongly disagree with this statement, just because of a single peculiar incident that happened a long time ago involving me swinging the family cat  around by its tail. I didn’t injure the animal but I sure as hell scared the bejesus out of him! Mum was furious with me because shortly after being released from my grasp he ran away from our homestead and never returned. Strangely, in spite of my love of cats, if you were to ask me what my favourite pet would be, I’d say a tortoise. – Selway

Right, here’s the challenge; all y’all go on to Facebook and click ‘like’ (if you haven’t already) and then suggest the living shit out of being a fan to all of your friends! Hopefully we’ll be propelled clear of the 1000 mark by Monday.

A difficult task but great fun!

Hiya!

Just watching a documentary about sex robots – fascinating stuff! Apparently robo fetishes are HUGE in America. There’s even a horny young man who says he’d like to turn his lovely wife into a robot and amazingly, she agreed! They drafted in an erotic hypnotist to help with the transformation. My favourite bit was during the ‘putting under’ process she said ‘the voice in your ears says ‘preparing to commence robotisation program, do you consent to become a robot? Answer affirmative or negative.’At this point, pleasure battery installation will begin. The pleasure battery will allow the unit to save physical, erotic or mental pleasure. Pleasure battery installation beginning; 20, 40, 60, 80, 100%. Pleasure battery installed – operation and installation now complete.‘ How awesome is that? Watch these youtube clips featuring other lusty androids and write me if it does something for you, I’ll be happy to hear from you!

Selway

Well fuck me, not only does Zeb Zanella own the best magazine in Europe, he can take photos too!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry for not being here for you. You see, I haven’t had my metaphorical daily dose of internet fibre…..wait that doesn’t make any sense. What I meant was, I haven’t been as fantastically regular at posting as I usually am. Why? Because it has been the misus’ birthday and the last 4 days have been devoted to making her transition to the big 33 as smoothly and painless as possible. Also, some big news for you hound dogs, design work has begun on the long anticipated and probably terrible first issue of Whomp! I know, we all thought it would be here about now but it isn’t. Don’t worry, soon, it will be.

Anyway, in other news, remember those t-shirts I told you about? Well, here’s one, as modelled by Lee Griffin. See how handsome he has become after putting the t-shirt on? Sadly he loved it so much he wouldn’t give it back to me and when I tried to get a photograph of the thing, he pulled out a real shot gun and told me to leave! These, like the mag are coming soon. In fact, they’ll be available to buy when the mag comes back from the printers. Patience daddio! Patience….

Dear Friends,

It’s 5.20 in the A.M and I haven’t been able to go to sleep yet. Awesome!

Anyway, just a quick note to remind you that it’s Valentines. I sincerely hope you all have that special someone you can express your love with on this incredibly romantic day. If you haven’t, you never know, you might just find it. You could be walking the streets alone one minute, only to find the woman/man of your dreams the next, and who knows, by this time tomorrow you may have made sweet love to this person over 4 or 5 times!
Anything can happen with this much romance in the air, happy Valentines Day. -Selway

Sem is one of Europe’s finest skate paps. He currently is in the process of building his new site. So, be patient and be sure to check back soon, ok?

From: wan jai [mailto:onezoom_112@yahoo.com]
Sent: 29 January 2011 23:11
To: ben@whompmag.com
Subject: heeey i got some stuff to talk about

whats up man?! been a minute dude!! since last month i started making 765$ every few days check out the article i used @ News Reports Online. $$ lemme know what you think
All the framework was black with time, and from the iron the paintthe drawn, white, face, with a look of terror fixed upon it. This was startling, and coming on the top of so manythe like of you be lonesome when all men should be thronging around to hear

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From: ben@whompmag.com
Sent: 02 February 2011 14:11
To: wan jai [mailto:onezoom_112@yahoo.com]
Subject: re: heeey i got some stuff to talk about

Hang on a minute. You lost me there, and you started so brilliantly! I was fascinated to hear about your money-making schemes and then you started speaking jibberish and you screwed up! Don’t fuck with me, Wan. It makes me not want to trust you. I’ve been burnt many times in my life and I’d hate to think you were up to something dastardly. Selway

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from    Kristen Lynne Boyd <kl09002@gmail.com>
reply-to    kristenlnn9@gmail.com
to
date    3 February 2011 08:41
Signed by    yahoo.com

I am Kristen Lynne Boyd, a British & Northern Ireland Citizen by Nationality.I’m 77 years old woman without a child to inherit my fortunes due to UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER which denied me pregnancy. I have undergone several medical treatments of UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER in other to be pregnant but all efforts were in vain. I inherited my late father assets and funds, few weeks ago my doctor revealed to me that due to my UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER, I have number of days to live here on earth.

Though I have made several donations out most of my properties to relatives and my well wishers around but as much pressure mounted on my healths, I can

figure out what will happen next to me, Therefore, I decided to contact you, to solicit your support and assistance to kindly assist me with the distributions of these funds to Churches, Schools, Charity Homes, Less Privileges and Public Hospital in your State.

The amount is UKGBP 11,450,000,000.00 Million British pounds will be paid to you by the financial company in London and below is how the funds are

going to be use, If you are willing and have interest to assist me on this please get in touch with me by email me for more details.

1) UKGBP 3,450,000,000 Three Million four hundred fifty thousand British pounds should be for you and your family members:

2) UKGBP 2,000,000.000 Two Million British pounds should be shared to the public hospital in your State:

3) UKGBP 3,000,000,000 Four Million British pounds should be shared to the charity homes and less privilege in your State:

4) UKGBP 3,000,000,000 Two Million British pounds be sharing to churches, schools in your State: I look forward to hearing from you.

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From: ben@whompmag.com
Sent: 4 February 2011 22:41
To: Kristen Lynne Boyd <kl09002@gmail.com>
Subject: re:

The other day I was talking with my wife and I said to her ‘I’m keen to move somewhere else.’ She said ‘Oh right, why is that?’ I replied ‘Well, I think we need somewhere bigger and I’m pretty keen to move away from our alcoholic neighbour.’ She then said ‘but we don’t have enough money to afford a sizeable deposit on a new property.’ Frustrated, I replied ‘Well, I know, he just makes everyone’s lives a misery, especially when he drinks that Red Label Vodka!’ Purely a coincidence, there was knock at the door – it was my alcoholic neighbour! Before he spoke I said to him ‘you wanna lay of the drink mate’ and he replied ‘I’m an alcoholic, I can’t help it.’ I said ‘you can, just admit you want to give it up and you’re half way there.’ Curious I asked him ‘are you still smoking?’ He replied ‘yeah, sometimes I will go through a pack of 20 in an hour.’ Then, remembering your email I tried to frighten him into stopping by saying ‘well, if you carry on like that you’re gonna get UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER.’ He replied ‘I can’t get UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER because I’m a man, it’s impossible for me to reproduce.’ I then asked ‘What are you, a fucking Doctor?’ He said ‘No, I’m an alcoholic.’ Selway